so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
