You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
