I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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