Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
