I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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