The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you didnt know i had herpes?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
