it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
