she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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