you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
