My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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