i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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