gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
