I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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