and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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