why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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