Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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