it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
