alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize