I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
