it's too hot outside to masturbate.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
