Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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