I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
