First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
