I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
