Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I could make wine with my vomit
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
