i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
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