I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Watching her eat just hurts me
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
