Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
