he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
