I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
