sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
