90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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