I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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