Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just googled if crying burns calories
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
