I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
