Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
