He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
