Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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