No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
