my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Randomize
