I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
