I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
