ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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