hotel room ftw
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
