you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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