Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
