Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
