NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize