I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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