Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
