new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
