Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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