I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
