Where did you get a picture of my penis
my phone needs a breathalizer
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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