...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
