Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
