Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
