Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
