You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
